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Relationships are an incredible amount of work. One way to engage in that work is through the use of relational maintenance behaviors. (See my previous entry for a complete summary). These maintenance behaviors include openness, positivity, assurances, conflict management, shared social networks, and shared tasks.
The introduction of a child, however, changes the nature of a relationship.
Marianne Dainton set out to understand whether there were differences in how much individuals engaged in relational maintenance based on whether they had children. Essentially, this study aimed to understand whether parents, compared to non-parents, put less work into maintaining their relationships.
Dainton studied 145 individuals who were, on average, 41 years old and had been married, on average, about 15 years. Roughly 25% of the sample had no children; the other 75% reported having two kids.
Dainton found that parents, compared to non-parents, reported that their partners enacted less positivity, were less open, gave less advice, offered fewer assurances, and engaged in less conflict management. She further explored this idea by examining differences based on whether parents had children living in the home, revealing some differences.
And this was the most telling relationship factor: Dainton examined the potential differences in maintenance behaviors based on how long couples had been together. Her findings indicated that relationship length appears to be a more telling factor than whether couples had children. As she summarized, “It seems that over the course of a relationship, the use of relationship-oriented behaviors such as maintenance declines, which in turn may affect married partners’ relationship satisfaction” (p. 41).
What is the takeaway from this research? It is important, at whatever stage of a relationship one is in, to be insistently aware of the role of maintenance such that one works to satisfy and retain his or her mate.
Relationships involve work, and one must always be mindful of doing it.
Reference
Dainton, M. (2008). The use of relationship maintenance behaviors as a mechanism to explain the decline in marital satisfaction in parents. Communication Reports, 21, 33-45.
Dr. Sean M. Horan is a Communication professor. Follow him on Twitter @TheRealDrSean. His expertise area is communication across relationships, with topics including deception, affection, workplace romance, sexual risk/safety, attraction, deceptive affection, and initial impressions.